Schlitz Malt Liquor, Spanish Fly, And A Half Open Condom Do Not Make A Great Date

Dear Men of LA:

I know all of you men are always looking for ideas for the perfect date.  After all you want there to be a next date don’t you?  Hell yes!!  Well the below is never going to get you that next date:

You show up at the girls house in all of your glory (faded ripped jeans and a holey t-shirt) and say, “Hey lady, listen I’ve got the perfect date for us.  I’ve got a 40 of Schlitz Malt Liquor that we can share, some Spanish Fly, and half open condom I found on the ground.  Let’s go find us a make out spot and make some magic.”   Yep!  That’s every girl’s idea of a dream date.

Chivalry: Not Treating Her Like A Hooker You Picked Up On Hollywood Blvd

Dear Men of LA:

Do you know how to win a girl over?  It’s not with a lot of money or over the top dates.  It’s a little thing called Chivalry.  You do remember what that is don’t you?  It’s all about treating a lady well and not treating her like some hooker you picked up on Hollywood Blvd.  So in case you’ve forgotten what Chivalry is and don’t have time to look it up on Wikipedia here are few tips:

1.  Opening Doors  Don’t open the door and walk through first and let it slam your date in the face.  Open the door first!  Let her walk through and then you come on in.  It won’t kill you.  Also try walking around and opening her car door.  You have no idea how many points that will win you.

2  Watch The Movie She Wants To Watch  Despite popular belief women don’t want to watch Girls Gone Wild or Faces of Death every night of the week.  We may want to watch The Help or Pretty Woman.  Suck it up.  It’s only two hours.  If you can’t stand it, daydream about what we may do to you now that you’ve let us watch our movie.

3.  Flowers  What a novel concept, sending flowers to a girl.  You know you can go down to Ralph’s and buy a cute bouquet for $9.99.  You can probably pull some from your neighbor’s yard.  You have no idea what getting flowers means to a girl.  Do it!

4.  Helping Her Put Her Coat On  Another sweet gesture that takes about 5 minutes.  So simple, but it goes a long way.

5.  Holding Her Hand  When was the last time you held a girl’s hand and didn’t immediately try to go for something else.  Take a breath.  Hold her hand.  She got that manicure for a reason.

6.  Walking On The Outside of The Sidewalk  Don’t worry, no one is going to pull a drive by on you.  Protect your date.  I guarantee you she’ll show her appreciation later on.

7.  Bringing Her Soup And Gatoraid When She’s Sick  I know she looks horrible.  You don’t want to get within 10 feet of her.  But remember what you look like when you get sick and how you wish someone would take care of you.

Do You Really Think A Girl Wants To Go Down On You When Your Dick Smells Like Pee?

Dear Men of LA:

Smell matters!!!  How your breath smells, your neck smells, your balls smell, etc.  Do you think a girl really wants to kiss you when your breath smells like a barnyard?  Hell no.  We’d rather endure a wax than kiss a guy with bad breath.  Do you really think a girl wants to go down on you when your dick smells like pee, which by the way is the worst smell on earth.  On a side note, it is beyond me why you men want women to pee on you.  Do you want to go around smelling like piss?  Is this the new hot fragrance of the season?  So go out and invest some soap.  Buy some mouthwash.  Use some RightGuard.  You can go and buy in bulk at Costco.  Remember, a good smelling dick is a busy dick.

If You Sleep Over At A Girl’s House There Is A Check Out Time

Dear Men of LA:

If you sleep over at a girl’s house there is a check out time.  Don’t make yourself at home.  Don’t take up residence.  Don’t expect breakfast.  Don’t park your ass on the couch and start watching her tv and hope to hang out all day.  Her home is not the Holiday Inn.  Do the walk of shame and get it over with.

I Just Want To Let You Know…….

Dear Men of LA:

If you are out on a date, especially a first date never start a sentence with “So” or “I just want to let you know.” It never ends well.   For example:

So, is that really you in the picture?  It looks like you’ve put on some weight.

I just want to let you know I’m out on parole.  Don’t worry, I’m sure my ex wife will make a full recovery.

So, do you do drugs?  I’ve got some blow in my pocket we can do in the alley.

So, did you know that having a dog makes you emotionally needy.  By the way,  my dog’s name is princess.

I just want to let you know I really don’t like people.  My mom convinced me to go on Ok Cupid.  I still live with her by the way.

I just want to let you know I’m looking for a baby mama.  Want to be mine?

I just want to let you know my life isn’t working out for me right now.  Maybe you can help me find myself.

I just want to let you know my ex was really great.  I’m probably still in love with her.  Hopefully, you can help me get over her.

So do you mind if I use a coupon for dinner?