Dear Men of LA:
It’s 3 am. You are drunk, horny, and alone. You think, “wow, it would be a great idea to call a girl and have her come over for some NSA fun! You picture her in a red lace teddy, looking sexy as hell, sleeping peacefully, just waiting for that magic call from you. She’s going to happily pick up the phone and scream, “yes I’ll be glad to come over and do all kinds of X rated things to you.” Guess what guys? This only happens in Penthouse Forum and in your dreams. Let me break down the reality of the situation. First off, the girl is not alone. What?!!! How can my girl not be sleeping alone? She’s only supposed to have eyes for me. No she’s not sleeping alone dipshit. She’s sleeping with her two or three cats. And they do not like to share the bed and they sure as hell don’t want their mommy leaving in the middle of the night!! She’s not all sexy, wearing a teddy, thong, or any other sexy get up you can imagine. She’s wearing her old granny panties, you know the ones that have stains and have been completely stretched out. Oooh sexy! She’s also wearing her old ratty t shirt and baggy jogging pants. Hmmmmm….. Next, do you really think women go to bed in full makeup? Is their hair perfect? Again, hell no. Women wear nasty ass moisturizer all over their faces that makes them look like a cross between a zombie from The Walking Dead and that little girl from The Exorcist. So the next time you think about waking up a woman to come over and have some NSA nookie take a step back. Picture what she REALLY looks like a bed. I guarantee you that you won’t pick up that phone and you’ll be happy with your own hand.