Dear Men of LA:
You know what annoys us women more than anything? It’s not watching porn when you are supposed to be having sex with us. It’s not farting on a date. It’s not making us pay for the check, although if you do that there will never be a second date, you idiot. It’s not talking about your ex and how great she is(if she was so great why are you out with us?). It’s not not wearing deodorant on a date when you know you smell like a hog met a chimp if you don’t wear it. NO!!!! It’s texting or being on your phone when you are supposed to be paying attention to us!!! What’s so important that you can’t put your phone away for five minutes? Are you talking to the President? Is he asking you to run the country while he goes out and plays golf? Are you being offered five million dollars from Publisher’s Clearing house? Is Hugh Heffner offering you the playboy mansion for the weekend? Probably not!!!! So please put down the phone. Let it go! A woman wants you to pay attention to her. She doesn’t want to see you super glued to a phone. So unless God is calling, put down the damn phone!
Dear Men of LA:
It’s 3 am. You are drunk, horny, and alone. You think, “wow, it would be a great idea to call a girl and have her come over for some NSA fun! You picture her in a red lace teddy, looking sexy as hell, sleeping peacefully, just waiting for that magic call from you. She’s going to happily pick up the phone and scream, “yes I’ll be glad to come over and do all kinds of X rated things to you.” Guess what guys? This only happens in Penthouse Forum and in your dreams. Let me break down the reality of the situation. First off, the girl is not alone. What?!!! How can my girl not be sleeping alone? She’s only supposed to have eyes for me. No she’s not sleeping alone dipshit. She’s sleeping with her two or three cats. And they do not like to share the bed and they sure as hell don’t want their mommy leaving in the middle of the night!! She’s not all sexy, wearing a teddy, thong, or any other sexy get up you can imagine. She’s wearing her old granny panties, you know the ones that have stains and have been completely stretched out. Oooh sexy! She’s also wearing her old ratty t shirt and baggy jogging pants. Hmmmmm….. Next, do you really think women go to bed in full makeup? Is their hair perfect? Again, hell no. Women wear nasty ass moisturizer all over their faces that makes them look like a cross between a zombie from The Walking Dead and that little girl from The Exorcist. So the next time you think about waking up a woman to come over and have some NSA nookie take a step back. Picture what she REALLY looks like a bed. I guarantee you that you won’t pick up that phone and you’ll be happy with your own hand.
Dear Men of LA:
You know you’ve said the shit below. You know it never works so why do you continue to say it? Here’s a refresher on what not to say at the bar/club/coffee shop/grocery store or any where else you are trying to pick up a girl.
1. Lie about your job and say you are an airplane pilot, movie producer, independent millionaire etc. Come on! Everyone knows these are code for I’m unemployed.
2. This goes in conjunction with number 2. I’m trying to find myself right now. Also code for I’m unemployed. How about trying to find yourself a job and then hit on women.
3. I have a place but I’m fixing it up or I have a place but you can’t come over because I have a roommate. Hello. Your roommate is your mom and dad!!! If you are getting that far with a lady always ask to go to her place first. She just may let you over.
4. Wow! You are so refreshing. I’ve never met a girl like you. All women know that’s code for I haven’t met a girl like you in the last five minutes. Be a little more original!
5. I’m sorry I can’t be friends with you on facebook but you can like my facebook artist/musician/business page. Yeah ok loser. We all know you have a girl friend and can’t give out your real facebook page. If you are going to try this shit at least make two regular facebook pages, one real one for your friends and girl friends and one for the skanks you meet at the bar.
6. You can come back to my place and have a drink. All women know that’s code for I want to get into your pants. Unless the girl is drunk that line probably won’t work. So make sure she’s drunk first if you are going to use it!
7. I’m sorry my heart is broken and it may never heal. I just got out of a committed relationship and I’m not ready for anything serious. But if you just want to have some no strings sex I’m down. You are more likely to get a drink thrown in your face for saying this than to get laid. Don’t try it!
Dear Men of LA:
It’s fine to sing to your lady to get her in the mood, but pick your sings carefully. There are certain songs that will kill the mood faster than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. For example, do not sing her Father Figure by George Michael. Really? You’re kissing her neck, rubbing her back, and all of a sudden you start singing in her ear, “I will be your father figure, put your tiny hand in mine……..” Do you really think that’s going to make her whisper back, “ooh baby that’s turning me on!” Hell no! She’s going to think you are a freak and run for the hills. So be careful of your music choices. It just may be the difference between waking up with a smile on you face or waking up with blue balls and and a black eye!!
Dear Men of LA:
I know all of you men love getting blow jobs. It’s an amazing thing right? Well guess what women DON’T love? Having their head slammed down while we give you a blow job. Really? You think that’s sexy pushing or even worse hitting a girl’s head while she’s trying to please you? Let me tell you, it’s not sexy for the girl. It’s downright annoying. Our mouths are already full and you trying to make them fuller isn’t fun. So just relax and enjoy the ride. Leave the poor girl’s head alone. Let me just say one more thing. If you have any idea you are going to be getting a blow job why not clean up down there? Make sure you smell fresh. There is nothing worse than giving a blow job when a man stinks to high hell down there. You know you wouldn’t want to get within 10 feet of our vaginas if they smell funky. Let’s follow the golden rule when it comes to oral sex. Do unto others as you would do unto yourself!!