Send Carrier Pigeons If You Have No Other Way To Let The Girl Know You Can’t Make It

Dear Men of LA:

Do not stand up a girl and then text her the next night only saying, “phone died.”  Nothing else.  Just “phone died.”  Really?????   How about, “I’m sorry I’m a dick and I should not have stood you up.” Or, “Yes, I know I’m an asshole, but can I make it up to you?”  Phone died!  Really?  What kind of lame excuse is that.  Send carrier pigeons if you have no other way to let the girl know you can’t make it.  Unless you stand up girls for sport.  Well then you know what they say, “what goes around, comes around!”

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

You’re More Likely To See A Unicorn Than To Get A Girl To Jump Out Of Bed And Jump On You!

Dear Men of LA:

Why do men think it’s ok to call at 4 am for a booty call.  Especially when you haven’t heard from them in six months.  Really guys, do you think a girl is going to feel sexy when you’ve woken her out of a deep sleep?  Do you think she’s going to be like, “wow, I haven’t heard from you in six months.  But that’s ok!!!  Let me run right over and have sex with you.  It’s going to be amazing!!”  So the next time you get the itch to make a 4 am booty call don’t!!!  I know you’re probably drunk and horny and it seems like a good idea at the time but it really isn’t.  You’re more likely to see a unicorn on Sunset Blvd than to get a girl to jump out of her warm bed and jump on you!

Every Time You Masturbate Santa Kills A Kitten

Dear Men of LA:

Do not use Santa Clause and kittens as a pick up tool.  Never post a picture of yourself on Tinder lying naked on a tiger skin rug.  Really?  Do you think this is going to get you laid?  In your dreams maybe, but not in reality.  And never post the following message unless you never want to get laid again:

“Ladies?  Every time you masturbate, Santa kills a kitten…….  Think of the kittens!”

PS  The above was from a real add I saw on Tinder last night!

 

Say Something To A Girl! She Won’t Bite!

Dear Men of LA:

If you invite a girl to meet you at a bar don’t ignore her.  At least say more than five sentences to her.  What are you, in first grade?  Are words unable to come out of your mouth?  Are women supposed to magically read your mind?  (Because you know all women are magical!!)  Man up.  Say something to the girl.  She won’t bite.  Ok, maybe she will but only in a good way.  And if you just invited her just to see if she would come and then spend the rest of the night talking to everyone else but her, don’t.  Douche bag,  you are not that great.  Remember what goes around comes around.  I guarantee you some girl will do that to you and you will feel like the small jackass you really are.

If You Want To Pick Up A Woman………..

Dear Men of LA:

If you want to pick up a woman, the most important thing to keep in mind is be yourself.  Women can smell a phony like they can smell a 50% off sale at Macy’s.  They can smell fear a mile a way as well.  One of the things women look most for when meeting a man is confidence.  Be confident.  Act like you have some common sense.  Because let me tell you that is rare in LA!  Be funny without being a jackass.  Try to be charming without acting like you are a player.  You’ve got this.  You are amazing!  And for the love of God don’t ever hire a dating coach, pickup artist, or any other like minded douchebag to help you get a date.  You know that saying about those who can’t do it teach others.  Well that sure as hell applies here.  Look at the video below.  This is an example of what some dumb ass pickup artist is trying to teach his students.  Don’t ever do this!!  If a guy tried this on me, I’d break his arm.  Be yourself and not an ass backwards douche bag like in the video and you’ll have women crawling all over you in no time.

Never Send A Dick Picture To A Girl! It Never Works!

Dear Men of LA:

Let’s talk about a subject that I’m sure is near and dear to your heart.  Your penis.  More to the point, sending pictures of your penis to girls who you are trying to hook up with.  IT’S A BAD IDEA!!!!  You should see the collection of penis pictures I have on my computer that I’ve gotten over the years.  I have enough pictures of dicks to paper all of downtown Los Angeles with.  Ten times over!!!!  So here is a piece of advice to men all over.  Don’t do it.  Do you really think we want to see a picture of your dick?  Hell no.  Why would you think we do, especially since we don’t even know you?  Is your dick magical?  Does it have special properties?  Can it grant wishes?  Does it make ice cream or chocolate?  Because you know that’s what us women really want ice cream, chocolate and for all of our wishes to come true.  I wonder what the success rate of dick pictures are?  Probably less than five percent I’d say.  So here is a piece of advice for you men out there.  The next time you think, “hey I’ll send this girl a picture of my dick and I know it’s going to make her rush right over and have sex with me” don’t.  IT NEVER WORKS!  Instead ask her about her.  Get to know her.  And take her out for ice cream!!  Ice cream gets you laid every time over dick pictures!!!

If You Need To See Women In Their Underwear……

Dear Men of LA:

If you are really desperate to see women in underwear there is always porn.  There’s always Victoria’s Secret.  Shit you can even see them in a JC Penny’s Catalog.  But for the love of God, don’t put an add like this up on Craigslist.

Do you really think a real photographer much less a woman is going to answer this add?  If so you must be off in never never land.

Female Photographer Needed TODAY (Downtown LA)

Sexy young female photographer needed today at 5pm for 2 hour photo shoot. You will be shooting 3 models in underwear/lingerie/implied nude. You will need to be topless and in your panties (no pictures will be taken of you).  (Really do you need to be in your underwear to photograph?  That’s a new one on me!)

This is a work made for hire shoot. You will be provided a camera and lenses. Take the pics and leave them. No post required. If you’ve been wanting to get into photography, great opportunity as many more opportunities could be coming your way after this one.  (I’m sure there will be.  It’s called pornography  Don’t be shy!)