Sex Isn’t Dirty

Dear Men of LA:

Do not go up to a girl in a bar and say the following:

“Hi, how are you?”

“Fine, thanks.”

“”Well listen, I’ve only been with one woman for 25 years.  Sex isn’t dirty, but clean respect and value of another person.  To freely share intense desire for another person is an honor.  To refuse sex causes pain and shame.

We can end war, pain, and death by three sharing pleasure.  We all need to know Trinity, Jesus more, maker of passionate sexual pleasure.”

“Um, ok.  Please go away now.”

Hey I Would Help You Out, But You Are Cutting Into My Drinking Time

Dear Men of LA:

If you see a woman walking around late at night looking for her car, for God’s sake help her out.  Don’t go up to her and say, “hey I would help you out, but it would be really cutting into my drinking time so I gotta go.”    Is Los Angeles really going to run out of beer?  Are all of the bars going to evaporate into thin air?   If the bar is closing, stop at the 7-11 on the way home and pick up a six pack.  Remember a dick rarely gets his dick sucked.

Pussylickertron Is Not A Good Dating Username

Dear Men of LA:

If you are going to put up an online dating profile, at least have a decent username. Don’t be a tool or freak.  This is your first impression on a girl.  Make it count.  Don’t use the following:

lacednarcotic  (Really?  You are going to make the poor girl think you are going to dose her drink and date rape her!)

pussylickertron  (Come on, do you really think a girl is going to click on your profile with this name?  Oh and by the way, if you are using this name, don’t make your profile picture a  picture of you and your daughter.)

pussylover18   (We get it. You love pussy!   There is no need to broadcast it.  Also don’t make your profile pic of you dressed as a priest.  It’s not going to turn women on.)

cuntdestroyer23  (You are more likely to get kicked in the balls using this name than to get a date.)

Other usernames not to use:















Don’t Jump From The Bushes And Yell “Baby Let’s Have Sex!”

Dear Men of LA:

If you are dating a girl, don’t hide in her back yard, wait for her to come home, and then jump out and say, “hey baby let’s have sex!”  Especially if her parents are with her.  Especially if  her parents are from bible country and go to church five times a week.  You are more likely to get kneed in the balls by her father, than get your balls sucked by your girl.

Hey I’m A Drug Dealer. Do You Want To Go Out On A Date?

Dear Men of LA:

When first meeting a girl, if you have an illegal job don’t tell her right off the bat.  For example:

“Hi, how are you?”

“I’m fine, what’s up?”

“Well I think you are really pretty, would you like to go out with me sometime?”

“Sure, um excuse me, but that’s a big roll of cash you have there.  Do you always walk around with that kind of money?”

“Sure, I’m a drug dealer.  I always have to have change.  Hey do you have any friends who are interested in buying some pot?”

Don’t try to sell her any drugs either if you are a drug dealer either.  It never ends well.

PS:  The above situation really happened a couple of days ago.

I Can’t Wait To Have Sex With You Because You’ve Been A Complete Asshole!

Dear Men of LA:

Don’t text a girl after a month and a half of no contact and say, “hey I’m horny, want to come over?”  What do you think she’s going to say?  “Oh I would love to come over and screw you after you’ve been a complete asshole.”  “Oh I can’t wait to to take my clothes off because you have completely ignored me for over a month.”  “I can’t wait to have sex with you because it’s all about you and not about me.”  Men get a clue.  She’s more likely to run into oncoming traffic than to have sex with you.

Big Daddy Wants Your Tongue

Dear Men of LA,

If you are making out with a girl, please don’t say the following:  “Big daddy wants your tongue, come on girl, you know you want to give big daddy your tongue.”  You may be getting a punch in the face instead.  Really???  Where do men get these lines anyway?