No, I’m Not Gay

Dear Men of LA,

Just because a girl has short hair or likes to wear hats, does not mean she is gay.  Get a clue.

You Always Want What You Can’t Have

Dear Men of LA,

If your girl has moved on, let her.  I swear I don’t know what it is, but men of LA have the ability to know when a woman has moved on and then they want her back.  Here is a question.  Why didn’t you want her to begin with? It’s the age old saying, you always want what you can’t have.

If You Are Trying To Pick Up A Girl, Don’t Bring Your Girlfriend Along

Dear Men of LA,

If you are trying to pick up a lady at a bar, please don’t bring your girlfriend a long.  You are not crafty enough to not get caught.  Remember a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.

Pick Up Lines Never Work

Dear Men of LA,

Pick up lines do not work.  I don’t care how cool you think you are, they end up making you sound stupid.  Here are some gems that you should definitely not use:

Did you know that your ring finger has a love line that goes directly to my heart?

Did heaven just lose an angel because I think I just found one?

If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don’t worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.

You must be a Snickers because you satisfy me.

Hello future wife

And last but not least, grab her phone and put your number in it under sexy.  Yeah that works every time.

I Am Not Your ATM Machine

Dear Men of LA,

Please get a job.  Do not rely on your date to be your personal atm machine.  The following are not valid excuses for being unemployed:

“I’m trying to find myself.”

“I’m taking off time from work so I can write my book, work on my music, etc.”

“I don’t know what  career I want to pursue so I don’t think I should work at all.”

“I’m too pretty to do menial labor.”


I Just Want To Let You know

Dear Men of LA,

If you are out on a date, never start a sentence with, “I just want to let you know.”  It never leads to good things.  For example:

“I just want to let you know that I don’t like liquids of any kind.  Also I really don’t like food or people.”

“I just want to let you know that I’ve been busted three times by the feds for putting fake dependents on my tax forms.”

“I just want to let you know that I don’t have a job, but that’s ok because I’m trying to find myself.”

“I just want to let you know secretly I really hate women, but you seem ok.”

What Not To Say On A First Date

Dear Men of LA,

If you are out on a first date try to put your best foot forward.  You want to make a good first  impression.  Here is an example of what NOT to say on your date!

” I think you are really great, so I think I should tell you a couple of things.”


“Well I’m going through a divorce”

“Ok.  There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Well since I’m getting a divorce I think it’s time I planted my seed and found a baby mama to have my children.  I think you would be great”

“Uh ok.”

“And also I love cocaine.  I do it every day.  I’m sure my coke habit won’t interfere with me raising our kids”

“Uh ok”